Stained Soul (a poem)

Stained Soul

Airport security stealing me away from you
Embrace me, arms warm circles of flame
Tell me you love me
Respond; but the words are ashes in my throat
Is it not too soon for love?
When I say I love you too
Why do I feel the guilt
Of a little white lie?
All the same it's hard to turn away from you
I will love you someday soon
Just not today

Goodbye to our families
To our loves (there are only a few)
Embark now on adventure
We have yearned for so long
To the city of lights we go
He seemed so quiet upon our first meet
A sweet boy nonetheless
But the gradual ease settling down among us
Brought him in the open
Like a diamond stepping in the solar ray
He sparkled with charm and joy
Sweet smiles melting my heart

I had never wanted to be the girl
Who broke hearts
Admiration was spread thin for me
The situation all new to me
Whatever I chose
Misery would befall some unfortunate soul
And whatever I chose
The sickly green of guilt would stain mine

So hard to think
Of the one who whispered his love
Only a while before
When those hazel eyes watch me with such
Adoration
Care
Desire
I did what I should have avoided
His constant shadow
His side was my shelter
Falling into my own trap
Returning my home without voicing my heart
Seemed absurd
In the heat of the Pisan sun
I dozed on his shoulder
Through hazy eyes, we looked upon the other
I could see it in your eyes, your smile
Huddle closer, as the answer becomes clear
He is the missing hald
Of my soul- yearning so for love

You gave me your love
I took but did not return
I threw it back in your face
Ripped you from the skies
Yet here you still wait
With arms wide open
Because you never reclaimed your love
Never revoked our friendship
That's more than I ever deserved

Now I'm drowning in guilt
I'm with the one who took your place
You gaze at me with sad brown eyes
I'm happy and you're not
I'm the one who made you that way
But where's the Karma?
Perhaps my threefold
Is watching you suffer
Seeing the pain in your eyes
Whenever I walk by

I wanted you to hate me
Make me feel guilty
But you didn't
And I found out fast
That was worse than your hate
To know that I still have your heart
After what I did

You can't find it in yourself
To be angry
At the one who created your misery
Your soul is gentle and kind
Mine must be black inside
To hurt someone who never did wrong
Out of my own selfish needs
I could have come home to you
Let my love for him bleed
Until he was gone and there was only you
But instead I let you go

And I just want you to know
If I could take away you pain I would
Even if I had to endure it myself
I'm not asking for forgiveness
I know that I must serve my sentence

-----
To one of my greatest friends ever, I hurt you, and I can never be sorry enough for what I did.