Predetermined Place (a poem)

Predetermined Place

Written June 12th, 2012

Today I bring a picnic basket

And a heavy heart

To the top of a hill

In a quiet corner with a charming view

Beneath a friendly maple tree.

As I sit in my predetermined place

I quietly thank the maple

For the kindness is has given selflessly

To my husband and I

Sprawling branches shield me from the hot sky

And in the winter

It holds back some of the snow and ice

Protecting his stone from damage

And mine as well.

I like to come here

When I’m feeling strange about life

I always told my husband

When I felt this nostalgic fear

And he helped me through.

He can’t talk to me now

But just sitting here

Helps me hear his voice

And work things through.

I only wish I could hold his hand

And feel his breath on my cheek

While I think.

I ponder over our children

While I eat my lunch

With wine glasses set out for two

I’m so proud of all they’ve done.

I became a grandmother a few months back

Just seeing her: another cycle starting anew

Crumbled my high pedestal of wisdom

I am so small

In such an endless continuum.

I am content

With all I’ve done and the time I’ve spent

Yet I feel that there is still much to do

I’m forever growing up

And spinning future dreams

That I aspire to fulfill,

But what saddens me the most:

I can’t do it all

Before it is time to fill my predetermined place

Permanently.

As the years roll on

And our stones begin to crumble

And grow moss

We will slowly be forgotten

Everything I have accomplished

Will be lost.

But my life, it mattered to me

My parents, my husband, my children

It mattered to us at the time

I made an impact

And I know that’s what truly counts.

I question how much time remains

As my eyes wander down the grassy hill

Dancing with butterflies

Landing on flowers left for loved ones.

It’s useless to think about

Because I’ll never know

It wastes precious minutes

But I do anyway.

The time I have here

As short and long as it can seem

Will be nothing but a dot

Compared to the time I will spend

In my predetermined spot

Next to my husband.

I take in the comforting splendor

Of the view this alcove offers

And feel the peace and quiet

In this special little corner

I breathe it in and wonder

If I could sleep for an eternity here.

I don’t think I’d mind it

Most of all, I really just want to feel

My husband’s hand in mine again

His loving gaze and kind words

His gentle touch and warm lips

If I have that once more

I don’t care where they bury me.

But they’ll put me here

In my predetermined place

Beside my husband;

The stone is already named

Though I still walk

The surface is smooth and unscathed

Where my death date would be framed.

It bothers some people

To have a stone when they’re living

Those are the ones who fear the ending-

Not me

I know death is just part of life.

I am not scared;

This stone is just a stone

With my name

That is all.

The food and wine has induced fatigue

So I curl up in the soft grass

And drift into dreams.

My husband comes to me

He holds me close while he speaks

About how proud he is of me and our children

How the world has changed

And why he still thinks it’s beautiful.

I let him talk;

He doesn’t get the chance very often

And I miss his voice.

He tells me loves me when he’s done

Concludes with: “Oh, and thanks for the wine”

And lets me sleep in his arms for a time.

When I wake

I stare into nothing for a while

As I savor the vision

Eventually I stand and pack up

Say goodbye to my husband and the maple tree

And leave the quiet corner with a charming view

At the top of a hill.

My heart is much lighter

My hopes much brighter-

I wear a smile as I drive away

The most beautiful place in the world

In my rearview.